GRIEVING: THE EARLY
DAYS
How long will I feel
this bad?
When the numbness begins to 'thaw' and reality begins
to sink in, is probably the hardest time of all for
the bereaved person. This can happen any time from
hours to about three months after the death.
When you begin to feel, the most important thing
to remember is that feeling is fine. Allow the feelings
to surface, no matter how unpleasant they are. Do
not avoid any of the feelings or suppress them with
alcohol or drugs. If possible, try not to suppress
them with milder 'drugs' either, such as cigarettes,
food, tea, coffee - or whatever you use to suppress
your feelings.
One fairly common irrational way of suppressing feelings
of early grief is to try to replace the decease immediately
with someone else to relate to in a similar way. This
can prove dangerous if the deceased was a spouse,
partner, lover, or if it was any type of 'romantic
relationship'. You may find yourself having romantic
or sexual feelings for someone who is close and caring
to you at this point. This is quite normal, but making
any decision about that relationship at this time
is not to be advised. In fact, never, make any major
decision about any part of your life for about a year
after a very close bereavement. This also applies
to 'replacing' children who have died - especially
before birth or at a very young age - by having another
baby.
All kinds of feelings can surface. Unless you act
irrationally on them, or they prevent you eating or
sleeping over a period, it is normal and usual. You
are not going mad, even if thoughts of suicide cross
your mind. Of course if these persist, or you are
really planning to kill yourself, please seek help.
Yes life has changed utterly. It will certainly never
be the same again. There are long sad days ahead,
difficult weeks, months, probably years, to come.
But the grief will slowly diminish, the acuteness
of pain will fade. The physical pain fades first and,
much later, and more slowly, the emotional pain.
Physical symptoms
Some people express their pain emotionally, that is,
through their feelings. You may find you have all
sorts of strange unexplained pains and aches in the
early stages of grieving. This is quite usual. If
they persist or are of a serious nature, consult your
doctor. After losing a spouse, studies have shown
that people visit the doctor a lot more often.
Timing
It is almost impossible to predict how long anyone
will continue to grieve. No matter what anyone tells
you, there is no such thing as normal! I believe there
are five stages in the intensity of grieving.
1. Feeling terrible all the time, and it feels unbearable.
2. Feeling terrible all the time, and it feels bearable.
3. Feeling bad with periods that you can't
forget, but when you 'remember' the pain,
it seems worse.
4. Forgetting for periods, and this helps you to bear
the feeling when you 'remember' the
pain. Sometimes enjoying yourself again.
5. The fifth stage expands until you can enjoy life
as much (or even more) than before the death.
Work
In our society, the traditional period given for grieving
(by employers) is three days. Many people are unable
to return to work after this short time. This is quite
usual. If you feel unable to work and need a doctor's
certificate, ask your doctor. If you work at home,
ask friends, neighbours and relatives to help.
Nobody should be expected to 'pull themselves together'
after three days. This is a particularly short time
if (a) they are physically exhausted for various reasons,
or (b) the death was sudden or violent and they are
still in shock to some degree.
But how long?
As it is so difficult to put a time on the grieving
period, in doing so I run the risk of whatever I say
being 'used', against the bereaved person. Relatives
and friends, tired of listening, exasperated or irritated
because of their own unresolved grief, often quote
various sources, as to how long grieving ought to
last. However, I would say that in grieving the death
of a partner, spouse, lover, close friend, parent,
child or sibling, or other significant person, taking
four years to complete the process is quite usual.
If you have been recently bereaved do not let this
depress you. You may begin to see four lonely desperate
years ahead. It is not like that.
Remember the five stages. These
four years are not four years out of your life but
an important part of your life. Your daily routine
may continue, or a new one emerge during this time.
Much learning and emotional and spiritual growth can
take place. Children grow and develop new friendships,
new interests are developed, babies are born, even
other people die.
PRAYER GROUP
The contemplative prayer group will meet on Monday
evening at 8.15pm in the Parochial House. Newcomers
very welcome. This is an opportunity to experiment
with a new form of prayer, especially if you find
that your present methods are unsatisfactory.
COLLECTION
We acknowledge last Sunday’s
collection of £1676.00. Many thanks.
DEATHS
We offer our deepest sympathy to the
family and friends of:
Bill Sanford, 26
Ingleside. May he rest in peace.
ANNIVERSARIES
Robert Devenney,
Gerald Parke, Kevin McCrossan, John Quinn,
Patrick McNamee, Alicia McNamee, Annie Gillespie,
Brian Boggs,
Susan Millar, Gerard McShane.
BLESSING OF
GRAVES
The Annual Ceremony of the Blessing
of the Graves will take place in this parish today,
Sunday 15th June at 3.00pm.
The dates for our neighbouring parishes
are:
Murlog Monday 16th June at 7.00pm.
Melmount Sunday 22nd June at 3.00pm.
PRAY FOR PRIESTS
Last year the diocese published a
prayer card with the names of all the Derry diocesan
priests. Many of you have these cards and every day
a specific priest is named. This week we ask you to
pray for:
Fr. Brian Donnelly CC, Dungiven, 15th June.
Mgr Joseph Donnelly PPVF, Omagh, 16th June.
Fr. Liam Donnelly PP, Garvagh, 17th June.
Fr. T Philip Donnelly, Retired, 18th June.
Fr. John Downey CC, Ballinascreen, 19th June.
Fr. Kevin Duddy, 20th June.
Fr. Austin Duffy, Retired, 21st June.
PARISH DRAW
The Draw for the month of June will take place on
Thursday 26th June at 2.30pm in the parish office.
We would ask all our promoters to bring their returns
to the parish office on or before Monday 23rd June.
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PAYMENTS
BY CHEQUE
The Bank have
reminded us that all payments made to the parish
by cheque (for Parish Savings, Parish Draw,
Sunday and Special Collections etc.) must be
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NOTICES
FOR PARISH BULLETIN
In order to facilitate
printing we ask that all notices and anniversaries
for the parish bulletin are either given to
the sacristan or left at the parish office by
Wednesday morning at the latest.
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SICK AND HOUSEBOUND TO BE
ATTENDED
Fr. Boland will visit the sick and housebound
in the following areas on Wednesday 18th June starting
at 10.00am :
Courtrai Park, Barrack Street, Lower
Townsend Terrace, Mount Carmel Heights, Springhill
Park, Mill Street, Newtownkennedy Street, Lower Main
Street, Glenview Park, Church View, Tristan Road.
Fr. Boland will visit the sick and housebound
in the following areas on Thursday 19th June after
10.00am Mass:
Bearney Road, Camus Road, Conthem
Road, Upper Townsend Street, Townsend Terrace, Marian
Park, Fountain Street and Innisfree Gardens.
PROMOTERS MASS
A special Mass will be said in the Church on Friday
20th June at 7.30pm for all the promoters and subscribers
of the Sacred Heart Messenger Magazine and for all
who have devotion to the Sacred Heart. Mass will be
celebrated by a Jesuit priest and everyone is welcome
to come along. Light refreshments will be served in
St. Patrick's Hall afterwards.
TAIZE PRAYER AND CHANT
Join us for an hour of meditative Taize Prayer and
Chant on Wednesday 18th June in the Day Chapel, St.
Mary's Church, Melmount from 7.30pm - 8.30pm. Everyone
welcome.
ALZHEIMER'S SUPPORT
GROUP
The Group will meet on Wednesday 18th June at 7.30pm
in Melmount Manor Care Home, Orchard Road, Strabane.
Guest Speaker, Maureen Collins, speaking on, The Benefits
System & Entitlements. Everyone welcome.
PARTICIPATION AT MASS
Our Eucharist (Mass) is not something static. The
congregation are not spectators, while the priest
leads the assembly in prayer. Both priest and people
are participants in the love of Jesus for his Father
through the power of the Holy Spirit, actively involved
in worship. In prayer we do not only use our minds
and hearts, we also use our bodies which house the
Indwelling God. The liturgical norms for Mass recommend
that the congregation stand, kneel and sit at various
times. In an attempt to further participation at Mass
the congregation have been asked to stand at three
times when they would normally be kneeling.
1. At the start of Mass until the
conclusion of the Opening Prayer.
2. During the Preface (the prayer before the Holy
Holy Holy).
3. For the Concluding Prayer.
This has been going on for the past number of weeks
and has been well received by the congregation. Some
have commented how it singles out special moments
in the Mass and helps to focus attention. This practice
is widespread on the continent and in many parts of
Ireland. It is hoped that these new measures will
assist people to become more actively involved in
worship and deepen the sense of participation. Obviously
it goes without saying that anyone who finds standing
difficult for any reason whatever should sit without
hesitation or worry or any sense of embarrassment.
The old maxim for prayer holds true here " pray
as you can, not as you can't ''.
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STRABANE SIGERSONS GAA
The Clubs Senior
and Reserve teams will play Brockagh in the
O'Neill's Sportswear Tyrone Division 3 Leagues
this Sunday. All support welcome. Coaching for
many of the Clubs youth teams continues, please
check the Club website or the local press. New
players are always welcome. Many thanks are
extended to everyone who supported the recent
function in Sigersons Social Club which raised
over £1,000.00 towards Marie Curie and
Macmillan Cancer Charities. THANK YOU
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St. Patrick's Luncheon Club wish
to thank The Houston Family for the part proceeds
of a memorial whist drive for the late Joan Houston
amounting to £500.00. Gratefully received.
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ST.
VINCENT DE PAUL ANNUAL OUTING
Senior Citizens
Annual Outing to Bundoran will take place on
Wednesday 16th July 2008. Departing usual stops
at 12.15pm:
McNally's Shop,
Ballycolman
Carlton Drive Bus Stop, Melmount Road
Lisnafin Shop
Mulvey House
Betterdeals Car Park
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Leaves Betterdeals Car Park at 12.30pm
sharp. A four course evening meal will be served at
5.00pm sharp in the Allingham Arms Hotel. Music will
follow until 9.15pm and buses will depart from the
Allingham at 9.30pm arriving in Strabane at approx.
10.15pm dropping off at the usual points. Names must
be given to SVP before 22nd June and tickets will
be distributed by members before 7th July. Tel: 02871384488.
ST. PATRICK’S
HALL
Bingo and Lucky 4 Draw as usual this
Thursday.
All our patrons are very welcome.
Next Week's Lucky 4 Jackpot is £2150.00
PRAYER CORNER
A PRAYER FOR PATIENCE
God, teach me to be patient -
Teach me to go slow -
Teach me how to "wait on You"
When my way I do not know. . .
Teach me forbearance
When things do not go right
So I remain unruffled
When others grow "uptight". . .
Teach me how to quiet
My racing, rising heart
So I may hear the answer
You are trying to impart. . .
Teach me to let go, dear God,
And pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace
And I learn to know Your will!
